lesson
I guess there are many things in the world that the textbook doesn't teach us. Even if it does by preaching us the correct logics and reason to do things, to behave ourselves, sometimes it just doesn't go in that way in reality. And at the most of the time, it's even more difficult than any equations in mathematics or any tests in school. Interpersonal relaitonship would be one of the toughest tests in life, and unfortunately, it cannot just be functioned by any equations like what we do in math. It comes in deeper complex.
I had a smooth process during my childhood and grow-up. I was taught with the value of justice, of benevolence and kindness. I guess that's what made me naive, even at the age of 23. I was taught to treat people with sincere true heart. I always have the faith in life and believe in the good. Apparently, that's just not enough if I'm going to face the bigger real world. I need to learn its language to make my speech appropriate for facilitating the communication practice.
Simon and I got different background on each side. There was a dinner last week between our two families that triggered the conflicts of value in between. His mom got angry at me with the reason I don't know, but would probably be imaginable. That threw me a variable in our relationship as well as my value. I came to realize that there are numerous people who hold distinct value from mine. However, for that reason, I started to carry doubts in my faith or the relationship. I used to think naively that simply being me would be the best way for Simon's parents to know me since they are not my colleagues, clients or the acquantances on the street. That doesn't need the fake me to ornament the relationship with his parents. I do still respect them and even like them. However, my confidence got trembled. For the first times in a long time, I don't know what I can do. I feel helpless.
Friends once asked me why I would need to manage this issue at such a young age since I'm not marrying Simon yet. For one second, I did have that question in my mind. I've been asking myself that for a thousand times. But I'm not a quitter. I know there will be one day eventually that I need to confront the issue if I really want to maintain the relationship. And I need to be brave.
I'm glad from the bottom of my mind that I can have a wonderful parents and lovely friends in my life. I want to thank my dear mom who always encourages me to think positively and provides me with the direction to move on. I thank my dad who tried his best to cheer up his dear daughter, to make her laugh every time when she was down, and to teach her how to forgive. I thank my friends who always be so supportive and concerned in company. I would like to thank Simon especially for being a sweet boyfriend and providing a strong shoulder to cry on, notwithstanding he is the sandwich man who need to face the most pressure.
I guess that I can only do my best and god will do the rest. I'm learning to grow up and hope one day I can be understood.
I feel I'm stronger.
I'm a cheerleader
I went to a baseball playoff of Uni-Lions v.s. Macoto-Cobras tonight with Simon and his brother. It was my first time to experience the extremely hyper atmosphere at the baseball stadium. And it was truely fun!
I'm not a big fan for baseball. To be honest, I can barely figure out the game rules for baseball and the system of how it works. But there's an interesting culture for baseball fans in Taiwan. I reckon Asian people love to make games look bustling to show their passion. So the fans here actually participate in the cheerleading activities as well as what we do for the political campaign. In case that I might fall asleep in the fifth inning for being too bored by not understanding the game, Simon bought me a pair of plastic hollow pipes, which are used for rooting for the supported team. The whole cheerleading activing is magnificent in which the fans from each team make all their efforts to root for their support. They prepare a small size of band, several big flags, numberous balloons on each sides. There were some demonstrators standing at the front to show us how to use the pipes to make sounds in accord and how to combine the slogan while making the pipes sounds at the same time. That is an art, I swear! Some people can just do it awefully beaitifully into a perfect momentum instead of making it a cacophony. I saw thousands of balloons flew into the sky in the half of the game while the fans from the other side let them go off. "Wow, " I said in my mind. That was fantastic!
In the first half inning of nine, all the fans stood up and rooted for the team. Every one was yelling, clapping and beating the pipes on the loud cheerleading rhythms. I guess I was acting crazily like a baseball maniac. It has been a while since last time I being so happy, and I was tonight!
self-realization
I know it has been a while since my last post. I was being slightly deprived and actually kind of blue with my recent life. It took me ages to realize that I became frustrated and inconfident in myself in the past few weeks. And it took me more effort to drag myself back to my blog and re-pick up my writing habit.
It has entered the autumn season here in Taipei since last week. The temperature plummeted all of a sudden. I guess that's the reason why I always feel a sense of loss when it comes to autumn, which always carries a cathartic effect on me.The weather and the scene change so fast that I can easily sense the difference between the summer season which is full of vitality and bright colours, and the autumn in which it has the tendency toward recess. That makes me feel sad.
I'm a sentimental and sensitive person. I always carry a very strong reaction and sensibility toward colours, weather and music etc. I dress in different style in distict seasons that makes me feel like there are two different kinds of personality of Claire-- introvertedness and extrovertedness. I think in distinct ways whether optimistically or pessimistically under different weather. I listen to different music and obtain different diet style under different moods. I can never imagine a person whose mood can be easilty influenced by the outsider environment. I thought people always use reason to live their lives and make their decisions. But some people are just not, and I'm one, obviously. I use my sentiment to live my life.
I had a big realization last night. For the first time in a long time, I felt oddly inconfident in myself. I had always been so sure and certain of my decision and now I lose the ability. Instead, I have many doubts in myself and of everything I'm doing. Then, I came to realize that I'm too naive in many things. I discovered that my confidence was built on my cognition of eveything in this world. That's dangerous because my confidence would probably collapes once the cognition breaks off. And I'm like in this situation right now. I realized I am not as brave as I thought, and that everything doesn't occur in the way I expected. I found I'm rather like a person with lots of negative evil traits than I origirinally perceived. I'm acquainted with the fact that I can be very impefect at most of the time, and I just thought myself into a too perfect figure in the past. I've always hided myself from these realizations, and suddently they all emerged and took away my confidence. I thought I can be optimistic while facing all of these discoveries, but I became a shirker who deosn't believe I can move on despite of all of the obstacle.
I've always been self-conscious of many things. Actually, I'm aware of my recent moodiness. I'm glad I'm figuring it out though it took me a ages to achieve this milestone on the path of self-discovery. I should come to love myself more by getting more understanding of self. In fact, I feel like rebourn.
Students
I had a children English class to teach on every Wednesday evening, and it reached to and end of the program today. I only had three students in that class -- Megan (11 yr old), Andy (10) and Benny (9). They are all lovely kids in my eyes. It is the Games Day tonight since it is the last class for them. We had lots of fun by playing Jenga and Monopoly together. They just cracked me up, not just today, but in every class in the past. It's always uneasy for me to say farewell, so I forced all of them to take pics with me in memory of all the happy time we used to have. They refused at the beginning and kept hiding from the camera, but they did at the end. They look like angels, the most beautiful angels in my mind. :)
evaluation
I've been receiving lots of heartwarming reply or e-mail from friends lately for they saw my post about the argument with my family days ago. For those people who provided me with great support and comfort, I would like to express my appreciation and thanks to you.
I guess family affairs always bother people a lot on their way of growing up, especially for the people who was brought up in a conventional Asian family but also received the liberal Western education and value. It's just not the balance we need to take care of between family and self, but the conflict we need to solve between two different values. I appreciate that the two values from different culture taught me the greatest balance and combination of philosophy while conducting things. I appreciate more that I have a great family which is not so conventional but more liberal compared to other one.
I've been doubting myself for a while no matter in the working ability or my future goal. It's like a 360 degree self-evaluation. I felt frustrated by discovering myself a bad person no matter concerning to friends, family, work or boyfriend. I found I'm so selfish and self-centered. I always think about me rather than others. And I became so emotional once things didnt go in my way. I guess that was the major part that depressed me a lot. I used to push myself foward into the "sort-of-perfect" person in my life with a high standard, and the self-discovery just carries the conflict to my expectation on myself. I know that would be tiring if I'm going to carry that atitude in life. So I'm learning to be more optimistic and to be an easy person. I know it's difficult, and it takes time. But I'm trying hard.
Seductor
I did a test on what kind of seductor I am. The result came out as an interesting one shown below. Do you think it's accurate?
| Your Seduction Style: Au Natural |
You rank up there with your seduction skills, though you might not know it.
That's because you're a natural at seduction. You don't realize your power!
The root of your natural seduction power: your innocence and optimism.
You're the type of person who happily plays around and creates a unique little world.
Little do you know that your personal paradise is so appealing that it sucks people in.
You find joy in everything - so is it any surprise that people find joy in you?
You bring back the inner child in everyone you meet with your sincere and spontaneous ways.
Your childlike (but not childish) behavior also inspires others to care for you.
As a result, those who you befriend and date tend to be incredibly loyal to you. |
