Clairewhispers

self-realization

I know it has been a while since my last post. I was being slightly deprived and actually kind of blue with my recent life. It took me ages to realize that I became frustrated and inconfident in myself in the past few weeks. And it took me more effort to drag myself back to my blog and re-pick up my writing habit.

It has entered the autumn season here in Taipei since last week. The temperature plummeted all of a sudden. I guess that's the reason why I always feel a sense of loss when it comes to autumn, which always carries a cathartic effect on me.The weather and the scene change so fast that I can easily sense the difference between the summer season which is full of vitality and bright colours, and the autumn in which it has the tendency toward recess. That makes me feel sad.

I'm a sentimental and sensitive person. I always carry a very strong reaction and sensibility toward colours, weather and music etc. I dress in different style in distict seasons that makes me feel like there are two different kinds of personality of Claire-- introvertedness and extrovertedness. I think in distinct ways whether optimistically or pessimistically under different weather. I listen to different music and obtain different diet style under different moods. I can never imagine a person whose mood can be easilty influenced by the outsider environment. I thought people always use reason to live their lives and make their decisions. But some people are just not, and I'm one, obviously. I use my sentiment to live my life.

I had a big realization last night. For the first time in a long time, I felt oddly inconfident in myself. I had always been so sure and certain of my decision and now I lose the ability. Instead, I have many doubts in myself and of everything I'm doing. Then, I came to realize that I'm too naive in many things. I discovered that my confidence was built on my cognition of eveything in this world. That's dangerous because my confidence would probably collapes once the cognition breaks off. And I'm like in this situation right now. I realized I am not as brave as I thought, and that everything doesn't occur in the way I expected. I found I'm rather like a person with lots of negative evil traits than I origirinally perceived. I'm acquainted with the fact that I can be very impefect at most of the time, and I just thought myself into a too perfect figure in the past. I've always hided myself from these realizations, and suddently they all emerged and took away my confidence. I thought I can be optimistic while facing all of these discoveries, but I became a shirker who deosn't believe I can move on despite of all of the obstacle.

I've always been self-conscious of many things. Actually, I'm aware of my recent moodiness. I'm glad I'm figuring it out though it took me a ages to achieve this milestone on the path of self-discovery. I should come to love myself more by getting more understanding of self. In fact, I feel like rebourn.

posted by Claire @ 5:19 PM