Clairewhispers

Do you believe in soul mate?

My boyfriend and I talked about soul mate today. I said I believe in soul mate and I believe I have one as well. He believes in it but he doesn't have one because he doesn't feel comfortable revealing his personal things to people, as he told me. We kept the conversation for two hours long and I discovered several things that is important to me:

1. I've changed a lot:
The one-year time in Sydney has changed my value for loads. I'm no longer the person I used to be -- whereas I was nervous, intensive, workholic or neurotic. I used to care a lot about how people think of me or judge me, so I work hard to present the best part of myself -- no matter in appearance, the acedemic performance, my life or everything. And I realized it's really tiring to keep that attitude in living because you have always need to live your life with endless worries. The pressure might help me reach to the 'success' that people think I am great or even perfect in my performance. But that also makes me isolated and alienated. I have to worry about how do I impress others constantly. That attitude is extremely unhealthy and negative. I used not to believe in soul mate because I only believe in myself. In other words, I can't trust other people. I reckon that's one of the reasons why I felt isolated before because I could never reveal my weakness that might ruin my 'seemingly perfect' image. But so what if you are really looking perfect? I realized I was just creating an image or feeling that I think people might envy me which could satisfy my vanity. And that's extremely stupid and funny.

2. I fell in love with the old-me?
After dating my current boyfriend for almost two years, I realized he has a very traditional mindset under his camouflage of fashonable look. With the Asian-culture background, his characteristics reveals the chauvinism that I found from my dad, in which he hardly expresses his emotion to people because that would destroy his masculine image, and that he believes it's men's duty to take care of women in terms of assuming the responsibility of house purchase or earning the life for the family etc. Frankly speaking, I felt I knew him for long when I just met him because he carries the personality that I used to have (and that makes it easy to understand him!) Just like the old me, he cares a lot about how people think of his performance, his appearance or everything. But it is weird that I fall in love with him. Does it mean that I fall in love with the old me? That's really yucky and disturbing coz I thought I've got over of myself already....
Or maybe we just get attracted by the persons that have opposite personlity to ours. (it's better to think in this way)

3. I became a coward
It has been 3 months after I left the PR agency I used to work for. I quit that job with the reason that I need to prepare for my GRE exam, which would take place in mid-June. But I found I didn't even prepare for it although three-month time has been passed. I realized I didn't quit my job for the exam preparation, but instead, for escaping from that work. But I didn't have the guts to tell my surpervisor the real reasons. I became such a coward that I started worrying about how they think of me if I've ever told them the truth and how people would judege me. Meanwhile, I really have to admit that preparing for GRE really undermined my confidence in English. For the first time in my life, I felt panic when facing such a big work of language learning. I even felt I've reached to my bottom line and can never ever come across the barrier. Then I became such a coward that I gave up trying the new things. It took me three months to realize these.

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After the discovery of these issues, I felt myself gaining back the bravery that I had -- a strong belief that tells me to stand firm and move on no matter being encountered with how many obstacles. As what my good friends told me, I have to always remember this feeling of power, for it would bestows me with the incentives and will to move on, to grow up.

I feel I get more understanding of myself today.

posted by Claire @ 2:33 AM